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Hello! We have a few new friends this month and I wanted to give these Swipe Up Virgins an idea of what they can expect in these monthly newsletters (and occasional drop-ins).
The Swipe Up was born of my complete and utter frustration at Instagram for the way they make link-sharing NIGH IMPOSSIBLE. I love you Instagram, but please be less Facebook-y. So before I had the swipe up feature in Stories, I used the newsletter to link to all of my mentions. Now, it's just a nice little aggregate of what we talked about that month, in one handy place. I also try to do a little bit of writing, tell you about books/podcasts/beauty/skincare/clothes/food I'm loving at the moment. It's like a fun party in your inbox except we don't have to do our hair or put on control top panties.
OKAY BACK TO THE SHOW.
Guys. Lent is next week.
I KNOW. I promise I'm aware and it literally haunts my every waking hour. It was fun to be on a couple of podcasts (I linked them below) to talk about Lent, but every time I'd finish an interview, I felt the need to wash my brain in bleach. But have no fear: we're almost there and I'll stop being so chatty about this HOLY OBSERVANCE.
If you still haven't locked down your copy of O Heavy Lightness, my guide for Lent and Holy Week, remember that all subscribers to The Swipe Up get 20% off with code SWIPEUP because you're my favorite.
This Month’s Questions
One day in Birmingham - picks for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? + drinks and snacks if you want. - @amsbelle
This is such a great question, and it gives me an opportunity to tell you about my dear friend Courtney Cleveland and her perfect travel podcast: All The Best Days. Seriously, if you're not following Courtney on Instagram (@courtclarkcleve), you're missing out on the delightful shenanigans of her three children, her husband Michael's ever-present buttcrack (WHICH IS A GIFT WE DO NOT DESERVE), and some great skincare experiments. She also does these favorite things parties on the 'gram that I live for. ANYWAY @amsbelle, Courtney is a professional traveler and hosts All The Best Days, where she interviews locals and helps craft a perfect day in any city. All my picks for your question are given and meaningfully expounded upon on my episode (click here to listen). Let me just give you a spoiler that I care deeply about food and I do you RIGHT.
If you had to online date, what would be your strategy? - @rivers.brunson
I love this question because I do feel as though I'd be a great online dater. I am currently 2:2 on online dating profiles I've written for friends to actual marriages that resulted in those profiles (guys my rule here is that I have to KNOW you in real life and I have to have 1 drink in me to do this properly), so my best advice would be to ignore pics and triage the funniest or most interesting bios first. Think about it this way: it honestly doesn't matter if a person is pretty if they can't string together a sentence. I would immediately disqualify anyone using excessive emojis (unless it was part of a joke), anyone who says they like coffee (EVERYONE LIKES COFFEE THIS IS NOT ORIGINAL), or anyone with the phrase "I just like to have fun." I've profile-surfed in the apps of some of my friends and I'll grant you that it can be dismal. But don't ever go on a date with someone who says they "just like to have fun." They get a certain number of characters in those bios and they choose to use 17 of them to tell you the most banal descriptive ever uttered? You do not need that in your life. If someone cannot be bothered to sit for 90 seconds to think up something more interesting about themselves in place of "I just like to have fun" then they can't be bothered to BE more interesting. You're gonna be married to this slice of frozen grocery store cheese pizza? No. I would also steer clear of folks not capitalizing proper nouns because that's sociopathic behavior.
What hair products do you use? - @ellenvroberts
Living Proof Perfect Hair Day 5-in-1 Styling Treatment
Living Proof Perfect Hair Day Dry Shampoo
Kristin Ess Dry Finish Working Texture Spray
OGX Shea Sleek Humidity Blocking Hairspray (3 Pack)
BONUS: The first masterpiece you wrote involved a stone path. May I share it? - @htb_elizabeth
Guys, never, no matter how close you are, trust anyone with poetry you wrote in the 6th grade when you were pining for a certain boy. They will be one of your dearest friends, but they will never let you forget it, they will keep the original and back-up copies, and they will use it as black-mail until you die.
Can We Please Talk About Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper,
or You Played Yourself.
Probably the most asked question this month was about WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS GOING ON WITH BRADLEY COOPER AND LADY GAGA? So I am addressing it in the only way I know how: a ridiculous theory that I put way too much time and energy into.
Sunday night several glaciers melted all over the earth in what can only be described as Mother Earth's physical reaction to Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper sing-nuzzling one another at the Dolby Theatre in front of the most attractive people on the planet. Only recently had Mother Earth stopped breathing heavily at their surprise performance at one of Lady Gaga's concerts, and I'm forced to conclude that they are actively accelerating climate change at this point.
The question on everyone's mind is: are they...like...together? The short answer to this is no. But because that seems to be an unsatisfactory answer, we're going on a deep dive.
First of all, we need to establish some history. Since the dawn of time, movies have lived and died by the power of their stars. Press tours, interviews, awards shows are all meant to make you take out your phone, buy two tickets on Fandango, and pay these people your money. Do you remember when Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence made that insane spaceship movie and we almost went to see it just because they had such adorable chemistry on the press tour (more about Jennifer Lawrence later because she plays into my theory)? Mr. and Mrs. Smith (okay fine they DID have a thing, but that WILL ALSO PLAY INTO MY THEORY IN A MINUTE)? We watch An Officer and A Gentleman because Debra Winger and Richard Gere hated each other off-screen, and we want to see that. You can even go back to the Hollywood machine of the 1930s, '40s, and '50s when studios would plant gossip or ghostwrite fluff pieces for the celebrity magazines that insinuated they were together or fighting: whatever would sell the most tickets. If you really want to double deep dive this, I recommend the podcast You Must Remember This or anything written by Anne Helen Peterson.
Now, Bradley Cooper famously has chemistry with almost all his co-stars. Bradley Cooper played a RACCOON and he STILL had chemistry with Chris Pratt. I think there is ELECTRICITY between Bradley Cooper and Jimmy Fallon in this video. To be fair, Bradley Cooper could have chemistry with a discontinued Live Laugh Love sign from a dumpster behind the HomeGoods, so of course he's going to have chemistry with Jennifer Lawrence and Lady Gaga. I have few marketable skills, but I do have a theater degree. Can I tell you how I assume this went as far as chemistry? Bradley Cooper went to his acting classes, and when it came time for him to learn how to act like you're in love with someone, he looked at all the things normals do when they are in love, he cranked that up to an 11, and then he just happened to have Bradley Cooper's face, specifically his eyes, jawline, and hairline. This is a man literally trained in the art of making you think he's in love with someone. He has actually won awards for this.
I'd like to address those of you who say: well maybe he's not in love with her but she's in love with him. Wrong. Lady Gaga wore a meat dress. A dress made of meat. She is above love (she's not really I'm being hyperbolic). She is an alien in the best way possible. Lady Gaga is an Enneagram 3 and as a fellow 3 I know that everything about her is a lie. She's also lying to you. Her life is a performance. They want you to believe they are in secretly in love while they made this movie so that you would buy a ticket with your girlfriends and scour every moment of film heretofore unnoticed clues to their clandestine romance. People.com wants you to believe they are secretly in love so that People.com can get advertisers. Is it the most charming charade? Yes. Is it insanely believable? Yes! These people have been nominated for gold awards because they made you believe they were in love during the movie! They want you to believe they are secretly in love because Bradley Cooper has to buy a new house for Irina after this, and maybe Lady Gaga wants a new meat dress or a whole wardrobe of meat clothes ONE CANNOT BE CERTAIN.
Now let's address you monsters who want to bring Brad and Angelina into this. It's a fair question, but I'm actually going to use it for ammunition. If you recall, as Brad and Angelina embarked on their press tour for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, what did they do? They ignored each other. They hid from the cameras. The actual opposite of Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. Look at these flagrant performers:
People who are secretly doing it do not act like this in public. They hide on private beaches. They clandestinely meet at hush-hush hotel rooms. They do not sing-nuzzle in front of the general public which includes the mother of one's child. These people are actors. They are paid to make you feel a certain way, and then other people wearing suits have learned to monetize that feeling. And what, you say, of Irina? Irina put her very beautiful stamp of approval on that Oscar performance. Look, they are friends.
Bradley Cooper, Lady Gaga, and a whole slew of well-paid publicists got the idea to torture the world with a well-done performance of genuine love from Old Hollywood and Jennifer Lawrence.
Let's break this down: Jennifer Lawrence is most well-known for playing Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games, where she must put on a fake persona to survive. Jennifer Lawrence the Person learned how to Katniss in real life and we spent years under her spell. Jennifer Lawrence is good friends with Bradley Cooper, and I believe she taught him (remember he is an old man and she is a millennial) how to use the people's love and adoration to his advantage, for the sake of a Best Director Award and a Best Picture Award. He's been working on A Star Is Born for years, plenty of time to craft a narrative about his chemistry with Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga said she trusted Bradley to direct their Sunday night performance. The whole performance, from the curtain going up, to the stagehands placing the instruments, to the stage camera all up in their beautiful faces was planned and executed perfectly. Even their origin story about the first time they met is straight out of a movie. They are Katniss-ing us.
Do they love each other? Yes. Are they close? Yes. They are friends who care about and respect each other. They are also hot like lava and so we naturally want them to be together for sexy times because we saw how magical it was. But friends, this was a performance. The whole dang thing from origin story to their finale at the Oscars. I know they made you believe in love and you were floored by their chemistry and general too much hotness, but it's a lie designed to make you get an extra Diet Coke at the AMC to properly deal with your feelings.
America, Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga played you like a fiddle.
Additional Resources:
Lady Gaga Sets the Record Straight on Those Bradley Cooper Rumors
Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's Relationship is Actually 100% Normal
A Comprehensive Timeline of Brangelina
Is Jennifer Lawrence Katniss-ing Us?
What I Love This Month
Instagram follow: @themeganbaca is wise and funny and gentle and truth-telling. Go ye therefore and follow her.
General Hilarity: Trixie McAllister on Instagram (warning: if you are easily offended, Trixie might not be for you)
Podcast: The Dream (OOOOMMMMMGGGGGGG)
Music: Margo Price
Skincare (Bargain): The Ordinary Vitamin C Suspension
Skincare (Splurge): Sunday Riley Luna Sleeping Night Oil
Makeup: Benefit Pore-fessional Primer
House Thing: Target's Made By Design Oil Diffuser (thank you for making an oil diffuser that doesn't look like something from an adult toy store)
Workout Thing: Optimum Nutrition's Essential Amino Energy before a workout because I am a rower now guys
Life Hack: Cy keeps stealing my keys and hiding them around the house, so I bit the bullet and got some Tiles. They are my new best friends.
This Month’s Links
Recipe: My Dad's Queso Recipe
Thing: Reynolds Slow Cooker Liners
Cookbook: The Homesick Texan Cookbook by Lisa Fain
Article: That Lady's Queso Doesn't Look Like Queso
Instagram: @donte.colley
Article: On The Spot with Erin Moon on Milk and Honey's Blog
Beauty: Sephora Collection Rouge Lip Tint in Ruby
Podcast: The Big Boo Cast, Episode 132 (where I talk about John Mayer's salvation)
Podcast: The Bible Binge, Season 5 Episode 1: Jezebel
Podcast: Theology of Hustle
Podcast: All Girls Considered with Megan Beam
Recipe: Alton Brown's Pan-Seared Rib-Eye
Documentary: Abducted in Plain Sight on Netflix
Podcast: Arc Stories
Wikipedia Article: Megalodon
Book: I Think You're Wrong, But I'm Listening by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers
Book: Black is the Body by Emily Bernard
Book: Mom? Dad? What's Sex? by Jessica Thompson and Joel Fitzpatrick
Book: How the Bible Actually Works by Peter Enns
Podcast: Jesus Over Everything with Lisa Whittle
Podcast: Don't Mom Alone
Video: Corndog Dance
Announcement: The Babysitter's Club Reboot on Netflix
This Month’s Book
I READ THREE BOOKS THIS MONTH. It's a record. Spoiler, I loved them all. First, we're gearing up to have THE TALK with our oldest and I knew I needed some guidance. I've been reading up on the best ways to talk about sex with your kids, and there is some dismal, messy advice books out there. I really loved Mom? Dad? What's Sex? by Jessica Thompson and Joel Fitzpatrick. It's practical, easy to follow, and straight-forward, which is what I need when I'm gonna have to talk about the p's and the v's.
Second, I really really really want you to buy I Think You're Wrong (But I'm Listening) by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers for everyone you've rolled your eyes at since 2016. This book is so good, so important. It needs to be in everyone's hand before 2020. Sarah and Beth host one of my favorite podcasts, and the way they teach us how to communicate should be mandatory listening for everyone. My idea of sneaking into the home of everyone who has cable news and cutting their cord will probably not solve our problems, but this book might.
Finally, my Bookshelf Shelf Subscription continues to commit itself to excellence with my pick for this past month: Black is the Body by Emily Bernard. HOLY MACKEREL this is a great book. It's short, it's intense, it's fascinating and insanely well-written. Pick this one up.