The Swipe Up, vol. 7
Birthdays, being an Enneagram 3, my kids hate going to church, and CE Ferulic acid...
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Welcome to a very special edition of The Swipe Up -- it's the birthday edition. My birthday was this week, and because I am dramatic and over-the-top, I like to celebrate this auspicious day as long as humanly possible.
I'm extending the party to The Swipe Up because you guys are the core of a very fine apple: wonderful, thoughtful people on the internet who give me space to talk about weird stuff, and always talk back with hilarious memes, always share fun things they discover and are (almost) always kind.
I've shared some of my favorite things from year 35 below, and some of them I'll be giving to you (products, not people. As much as I'd love to be able to shrink some of these people down to carry around with me always, alas Rick Moranis has not invented the technology). If I'm giving it away, you'll see an asterisk next to it in the body of this email. All you have to do is share The Swipe Up with your people via Instagram and I'll contact you if you win. That's it. That's the whole tweet.
As I'm looking back on year 35, some of my most favorite moments have involved this newsletter. Whether we were bonding over Hamilton or talking about our favorite lip gloss or jumping into heavier topics like depression, I really feel as though we're having such great conversations. I'm so grateful for you: for staying with me, for saying hi, and for being you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
P.S. If you like The Swipe Up, will you share The Swipe Up? I giveaway a lil gift card to one lucky sharer every month. Just make sure you tag me or if you’re private, shoot me a screenshot of your share. Thank you! 🤘
P.P.S. As a reminder, affiliate links support The Swipe Up at no extra cost to you. It makes Ben Moon really happy when you purchase something via the affiliate links, so thank you! 👌
This Month’s Questions
How do you embrace your Three-ness? I HATE that I'm a Three, but there's no denying it. - @erinorr
Erin! Why do you hate being a Three? Can I just read to you some quotes about Threes from respected Enneagram sources?
"They are the "stars" of human nature, and people often look up to them because of their graciousness and personal accomplishment."
"Healthy Threes embody the best in a culture, and others are able to see their hopes and dreams mirrored in them."
"Threes act as living “role models” and paragons because of their extraordinary embodiment of socially valued qualities."
Look, Erin, when we are healthy, we're humanity's greatest achievement!
Okay real talk: I get that it can sometimes feel shameful to be a Three. We're in the Heart Triad and we are literally driven by shame. Some of the shame I experience as a Three stems from the fact that I could be loved for who I am (which, on dark days, I would tell you isn't anyone) instead of what I do. Spiritually, this is the great tension between me and God, so it's no surprise that this plays out in my relationships. One of the hardest things about the Enneagram is that it exposes your pain, your fears, and your weaknesses. I would argue that is difficult for all or most types, but more so for a Three, who desperately wants to maintain an illusion of success (no pain, no fear, and no weakness).
Something that has really helped me embrace being a Three on rough days are the words of Fr. Richard Rohr. I'm just going to quote him here because it's that good:
"Threes think it’s up to them to keep things from falling apart. “I will prove by competence and overproduction that I will not fall apart,” they say, instead of resting in the impermanence and fallibility that they deeply know and now deeply fear. They are afraid to look inside themselves because they feel there is really nothing there. Threes need endless successes and feedback to reassure themselves against a very honest and realistic insecurity. They are afraid to say yes and cooperate with the dissolution and death of all things unless they reconnect with the permanence and endurance of reality, which is precisely a God-experience, whether they call it that or not. Threes who have found their way to truthfulness and authenticity can put their tremendous gifts to work to help other people competently and effectively, motivating them to discover their own potential. Redeemed Threes manage to organize groups or communities sensibly, expose society’s lies for what they are, and spread the truth in a way that is professional, efficient, and up-to-date. Their sin has now become their gift."
The greatest gift the Enneagram has given me are handles for how to love people better, and honestly, that includes myself. Being a Three isn't so bad or at least it isn't any worse than any other number. We're all broken and we all have our pros and cons. Also, follow some good Enneagram accounts to remind you of why 3s are great (and you know...other numbers too).
@rudeassenneagram
@enneagramandcoffee
@justmyenneatype
Top tips for being married to an Enneagram 3! - @hugsandlattes
These apply to really being friends with a Three, working with a Three, or being in a relationship with a Three.
- Please never interrupt us when we're working.
- Help us release our emotions by watching or listening to joy-tinged things that make us cry-purge (My top choices are Queer Eye, anything Mr. Rogers, and Chef's Table)
- Give us positive feedback about the work we do and positive feedback about just us as people unrelated to our work.
- We don't know what to do with negative or sad emotions, so...just know that. I won't speak for all Threes, but I tend to power through sadness or hard times, almost fast-forwarding.
- Tell us you're proud of us.
- If you notice us being "lazy" -- let it be. Sometimes we get tired and rest is good for us.
- Give us a place where we don't have to be "on."
Are you going to write more devotionals?!?! - @red3188
I am! I'm in brainstorming mode for the next one, so if you have topic ideas or thoughts, you can always reply to this email and get me directly. There will also be a little survey at the end of Lent that will let you give feedback about O Heavy Lightness and what you want to see next!
My kids hate going to church. How do I solve this? - redacted
It's hard for me to answer this question without knowing all the details and it's tricky because it's easy for this to feel like a kind of spiritual failure on your part. I reject that. I think most kids go through not wanting to go to church at one time or another. And it's great that you're raising kids who are independent. You don't want your kids to fake loving church for your sake. If your kids have any kind of trauma related to attending church, then I would not make them go. If they are just kids and they'd rather be sleeping (which, look, I get), here is what (I think) I would do (please know that I've never experienced this as a parent, and these are just ideas. Should I ever cross this road myself, I may regret every single one of these thoughts):
Never force participation, just attendance. Basically: "you're welcome to sit here with your arms crossed and not pay attention, but you do have to come. You can't dictate what the whole family will do."
Offer alternatives. If they don't like a particular church, but would like to go to another one, I'd offer that up on a monthly basis, or let them attend that church's Wednesday night services.
Try to get them involved on other days of the week. If there's a service project day or a Thursday night supper, try making connections there, so they'll feel more a part on Sunday.
Take a break. Try taking a Sunday off as a family once a month and doing something together. Even if it's as simple as listening to a sermon podcast over pancakes, reading a book together, or going on a family hike. I think being a part of a local church is important, but there are other ways to engage your kids with God.
Ask and listen. "Why don't you want to go to church? "What would you rather do?" It doesn't mean you to have to do what they say, but you might be surprised at their answers.
Get them involved with an aspect that interests them. Your kid might hate going to church, but maybe he'd be more interested if he got to play bass in the worship band? Maybe they would feel more at home in the nursery with the babies?
Again: just ideas!
Favorites from Year 35,
or Keep This List Handy.
Overall Podcast: Binge Mode. All Day. All Night. Other Dimensions. I love it (there is a LANGUAGE WARNING)
Podcast Episode That Helped My Life: Design a Rhythm of Work - Theme Days on The Next Right Thing
Podcast That Freaked Me Out: The Snapchat Thief by Reply All
Podcast That Helped Me Travel: All the Best Days by Courtney Clark Cleveland
Podcast That I Binged When I Discovered It: The Cut on Tuesdays by Gimlet
Podcast That I Worked On: The Bible Binge
True Crime Podcast: Bear Brook
Podcast Turned Into Book: The Next Right Thing* by Emily P. Freeman
Small Thing That Made Me Feel Better: Starting off every day with a glass of water.
Most Tear-Inducing Video: John Mayer sings "How Great Thou Art"
Music Video: The Jonas Brothers -- Sucker
Favorite Netflix: Queer Eye
Favorite Amazon Prime: The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Favorite Hulu: PEN15
Talk Show: Patriot Act with Hasan Minaj
SNL Sketch: Lobster Diner
Favorite Movie I Saw in a Theater: A Star Is Born
Best New Music: Maggie Rogers
Most Played Music: Maggie Rogers
Favorite Celebrity on Instagram: John Mayer
Favorite Celebrity IRL: Sophie Turner (especially after this video)
Favorite Out of Town Restaraunt: Au Cheval in Chicago // Tyler's BBQ in Amarillo, TX
Favorite Birmingham Restaraunt (Splurge): Hot and Hot Fish Club
Favorite Birmingham Restaraunt (Budget): Saw's BBQ
Favorite Candle That Dupes for Anthropologie Candles: Island Moonlight from Target
Favorite Cleaning Product: Y'all. Whoever tiled our bathroom before we moved in didn't bother to seal the grout, so it was an actual health hazard. I've tried everything to get the mold off, and nothing worked until we brought the big guns out. This stuff may be it's own special kind of health hazard, but it worked WITHOUT ANY SCRUBBING. I'm a believer: RMR-86 Instant Mold Stain and Mildew Stain Remover
Starbucks Order: Bri McKoy's Perfect Starbucks Iced Double Shot recipe (in her Stories highlights)
Coffee Hack: Bri McKoy's Cold Brew Iced Coffee (in her Stories highlights)
Whole Beans: Non-Fiction China
Ice Cream: Blue Bell Butter Crunch
Chick-Fil-A Hack: Jordan Emmitt taught me that if you punch out the middle hole in your nugget box, you can thread it through your straw for maximum Chick-Fil-A car points. It works like a charm.
Trader Joe's Thing: Cornbread Crisps
Favorite Recipe: Change Your Life Chicken from The Lazy Genius
Subscription Box: FabFitFun
Tech: I bought an Apple Watch in the middle of a panic attack to see if I was in AFib (I was not), but I kept it because I really love it. And I love trying to close my rings every day because it's a goal and I love goals.
Lil Gadget: I am obsessed with my magnetic car mount.
Bookshelves: The bookshelves that are in my living room!
Study Bible: The NIV Cultural Backgrounds Study Bible (I don't even use the NIV, but I love this Bible!)
Daily Devotional/Prayer Thing: The Divine Hours by Phyllis Tickle
Pen: Pilot G2
Planner: Get to Work Book (The only planner I've ever consistently used)
App (Shopping): The Target app (mainly for that BOSS Drive-Up Pick-Up feature)
App (Eating): My beloved Chick-Fil-A app
App (My Brain): Calm (this has CHANGED my sleeping habits)
Book (Fiction): That Kind of Mother by Rumaan Alam
Book (Non-Fiction): Small Fry by Lisa Brennan-Jobs
Book (For Moms): Mom Up by Kara-Kae James (A little bonus goodness for this book: it has how long it takes to read each chapter and a suggested reading location, which is BRILLIANT)
Book (Spiritual Memoir): Remember God by Annie F. Downs
Book (Being Anglican): The Anglican Way by Fr. Thomas McKenzie
Bras: ThirdLove 24/7 Classic T-shirt Bra (y'all THESE BRAS!)
Lip Tint: Sephora Collection Rouge Lip Tint
Skin Care (Splurge): Skinceutical CE Ferulic Acid (I'm sorry but it is magic)
Skin Care (Budget): Palmers Cocoa Butter Skin Therapy Cleansing Oil (lasts forever and works like a charm)
Lotion: Hannah Kody told me about this and it smells INCREDIBLE. My only gripe is the bottle is not the best.
Instagram Account (Overall): @humansofny
Instagram Account (Serving the Business): @blackcoffeewithwhitefriends
Instagram Account (Making Me Chortle): @trixiemcallister
Instagram Account (Holiness and Donkeys): @bethmoorelpm
Helpful Website: Vote411.org
Easiest Way to Contact My Reps: ResistBot
Best Email Newsletter: The 54321 by BT Harman
What I Love This Month
Instagram follow: My new favorite Instagram follow is @tiny_pep_talks -- y'all. It is so earnest and sweet and don't we just need more of that in our lives? Give it a shot. It's the real deal.
Podcast: Mobituaries by Mo Rocca
Music: The Deep Focus playlist on Spotify
Article That Changed My Morning Mindset: Starting Your Day on the Internet is Damaging Your Brain
Mindless Phone Game: Threes
Thing I Thought I Would Love, But Alas: Shrill on Hulu. I plan on jumping back into this, and I like some of the social commentaries about our bodies and what they look like and how we navigate that, but I just did not get into this show. I'm sorry Aidy Bryant! I love you so much!
Potential Mistake: I bought those overalls from Universal Thread and I'm not sure if it was the right choice. Like I love them, but can't tell if I'm cute in them. I think I'll wear them anyway. Will report back.
This Month’s Links
Podcast: Arc Stories
Recipe: Bri McKoy's Iced Double Shot (in her Stories highlights)
Video: This Guy Dancing
Book: Daisy Jones and The Six via The Bookshelf Shelf Subscription
Instagram Account: @blackcoffeewithwhitefriends
Event: The Popcast/Big Boo Live in Amarillo, Texas
Movie: Captain Marvel
Event: My Light Still Shines Brunch
Article: Bob McKinney - What I Know
Podcast: The Bible Binge - Woman at the Well
Podcast: The Daily - Reckoning with the Real Michael Jackson
Podcast: The Popcast - The Enneagram
Company I Love: House Peace (even if you're not in a budget place or geographic place for House Peace, they still deliver GREAT content on their Instagram)
Instagram: @thejesslou
Podcast: 10 Things To Tell You - I really loved the episode with Jeff Tremaine - so so good.
Artist: Scott the Painter
Playlist: O Heavy Lightness
Article: Third Christmas Prince Movie Set at Netflix
Podcast: The Drop Out
TV Show: Queer Eye
My Bookshelves: Sauder Cannery Bridge Storage Wall
My Bookshelf Knobs: Anthropologie Streamline Knobs
Event: Arc Stories - Roots
Article: Can You Say...Hero? by Tom Junod
Video: Fred Rogers Acceptance Speech - 1997
Video: Mister Rogers' Neighborhood - I'm Proud of You
Article: Saint Fred by Jonathan Merritt
Movie: Won't You Be My Neighbor
Accessory: Madewell Belt Bag
Video: John Mayer - How Great Thou Art
Article: You Were At My Wedding, Denise
This Month’s Book
I know everyone is talking about Daisy Jones and The Six, but it really is so good! I absolutely loved the format and as a lifelong Fleetwood Mac fan, it really really worked for me. I felt like I was reading an episode of Behind the Music on VH1! Very very very much recommend! It's about a rock band, so there's language and sex and drugs JUSS SO YA KNOW.