DISCLAIMER: look, I wrote this in just a bummed out mood. If you’re not looking for that vibe today, I get it. I really do. And no judgment. So I’m gonna put a line where I stop being sad and force myself to find joy in treasures, and if you want, you can just skip right to that. BUT if you need someone to sit in your sadness today, boy. I’ve got you. Okay, disclaimer over.
Because I know I can be real with you all, I am here to report that this week finds me in my Sads. And it’s like a moving dartboard to try and figure out why I am in my Sads. Is it Daylight Savings Time? Is it what feels like the unraveling of our country? Is it a family friend who is in the hospital with COVID? Is it that my oldest child is turning into a teenager right in front of my eyes? Have I not had enough water? Should I buy something else? How come this prayer app isn’t making me feel better? Where’s the peanut butter jar that I keep for emergencies? It’s gone too. Only the Sads remain.
This week, one of our kids accidentally left some medication opened on the ledge over our sink. Cyrus did not throw away his shot and as soon as he happened to find himself alone for .03 seconds while he washed his hands, he just grabbed that medicine and poured it down his gullet. In those moments of panic between sticking my finger down his throat to induce vomiting (hey here’s a fun fact: Poison Control does not recommend that anymore!) and waiting to hear if we needed to take him to the ER to have his stomach pumped, in between one kid getting mad that we were giving him “too much attention” and the other drowning in guilt for what was truly an honest mistake (and you better believe she knows better now), I paused to take stock of myself. I felt nothing. No panic. No fear. And I was like, why am I not freaking out? And then Other Me (Other Me is decidedly wiser and calmer) was like, girl, you’ve literally been in panic mode since February. This has been your natural state of living. You’re just used to it. (Also Cyrus is fine and merely joins his sisters in the Poison Control Database for the rest of time.)
I feel as though every day since February (maybe longer) has been an emergency, waiting to see what chaos is due, managing emotions and expectations for myself and the people I am in charge of. Like the frog in the pot, the heat just keeps rising, and I keep telling myself to adjust. The respite of the holidays doesn’t even seem real right now: will we even get to celebrate it with any kind of normalcy? It’s not looking likely, and I join the rest of you in this manic chant of I AM OVER THIS.
Here’s what I think it is, now that I’m processing this with all of you like you’re my therapist: hope deferred. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. And my heart is sick right now. Truthfully, I am epically bummed. I was hoping this would be over by now, and it’s not. It’s the worst it’s ever been. So yes. Hope has been deferred and I know this will not be how it is forever, it’s still like this now. And I’m giving you (if you need it) and me permission to just be bummed this day/week/month, without a fake bow stuck on top of it.
Here’s that line:
👇
Okay this visit to the Sads has reached the end of the line for this week. Please exit the train in an orderly fashion, and remember to take your belongings.
If I have to force some happiness into my life, this was actually a pretty good week for that. The memes! A presidential (elect) address that I didn’t feel nervous about my kids watching! Ben started watching The Crown with me and y’all he doesn’t know ANYTHING about the royal family, so it’s all completely spoiler-free for him. “Will the Philip guy die in this plane crash?” “Oh this David guy is really entitled!” It’s the best, so pure, highly recommend.
🕯 Some of you have asked about an Advent guide, and while I’m not putting one out this year (maybe next year), I do have recommendations! As always, if you can, purchase through your local bookseller, but if you can’t, they are linked below (they are affiliate links, which just means if you purchase via these links, I get a tiny commission at no extra cost to you).
Tsh Oxenrieder’s beautiful Shadow & Light, based on her digital guide, is practical and lovely. It’s going to be my Advent captain this season.
Scott Erickson’s Honest Advent — I love pretty much everything Scott Erickson does, and this is a no-brainer for me. It’s sitting in the co-captain chair with S&L.
If you’re looking for something thick and rich, Fleming Rutledge’s Advent: The Once and Future Coming of Jesus Christ is a great choice. It’s not a devotional, more essay/sermons.
Watch For The Light is an excellent collection of writings from people like Annie Dillard, Henri Nouwen, Madeleine L’Engle, and Thomas Merton.
There’s also an Advent prayer compilation featuring Nouwen’s writings that I love.
Fr. Rohr’s daily meditations for Advent called Preparing for Christmas is also phenomenal.
If you have a teenager, I highly recommend any resources from YM360, particularly God with Us: A 25-Day Christmas and Advent Devotional. It has bonus family devos for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day!
I was bummed to see the kids table conversation cards from She Reads Truth were sold out, but they do have a lovely scripture calendar for Advent that I am looking at!
If you have a favorite Advent reading or devotional, drop that along with your treasures!
🦄 Okay so LISTEN last week when I was feeling iffy about democracy I took a trip to see my friend Target. What I desired was a comfort robe. I mean a robe that made me feel like a benevolent teddy bear was embracing me. And LO! This Stars Above robe is my new best friend, we’re pretty inseparable, and I think it’s getting serious. I also snagged these house shoes, which are wonderful (benevolent small bears hugging my feet). Highly suggest for all your sussy needs.
🇺🇸 In a very 2020 fashion, we had to agonize and wait a few days last week to find out who won the presidential election. In the midst of the stress, the internet produced some truly amazing content. These tweets about Four Seasons Total Landscaping had me rolling!
🏒 Thank you all for taking care of me this week via Gritty memes. Who knew a hockey mascot could inspire such joy? Here’s a terrific collection of memes to put a smile on your face today. Also, many of you alerted me to this perfect Gritty explainer video, which is in French, and is an absolute chef’s kiss. Please enjoy:
😂 I am here for this perfect marriage of Schitt’s Creek + Zac Efron.
🐶 Here is yet another adorable video featuring puppies and small children.
And now……for this week’s Twitter Hall of Fame:
Thanks for letting me poop on the parade today. I am geniunely looking forward to reading your treasures this week. We’re gonna be okay. I just know it.
Normally, I say something here about if you love The Swipe Up, please share The Swipe Up. This may not be the best week to share, but if you’re feeling it, go for it.
I am beyond excited for Advent this year!! I have Tsh's book on the way!! Also Sara Sparks is releasing an Advent album sometime really soon (maybe today?). She's got a great Narnia inspired album that I will totally be playing during this season too!!
I’m late to the party this week but it’s been a day (started with having to get my new “real ID” driver’s license on which the photo looks like a flipping mug shot) and is ending with cramps, a heating pad, and a glass of wine from a bottle I had the foresight to hide a few weeks ago before our Whole 30.
Turds include rising case counts and, like so many others, a nervous system that thinks I’ve been in IMMEDIATE DANGER for months.
Treasures include purchasing, assembling, and decorating a new Christmas tree; finishing the paint job on the farmhouse table and bench that my husband and son made for our back porch; a text thread with three of my besties I’ve had since birth that, while some of the subject matter has been heavy (rising case counts, worry about parents) it has been a delight to be talking to them and there have, as always with them, been moments of levity.
Happy weekend to you all!