I wouldn’t call myself a former athlete (that seems to imply a level of advancement that I never achieved and I cared too much about what we would eat after matches to really be a threat to anyone), but I’ve had the pleasure of having a lot of great coaches. My high school tennis coach was the rare bird who really, truly, honestly just wanted to see you improve, wanted tennis to refine your discipline. A man committed to seeing you play better than you did the last time. He cared about winning, sure. But only as it related to technique, to staying mentally tough, and perseverance. He was also a huge fan of The Golden Corral, which is unfortunate, but none of us can be perfect. I would say a love for steak cooked well-done and left under a heat lamp sitting next to a soft-serve toppings bar that includes 16-year-old gummy bears is a flaw, but what can you do? Here is a picture of Young Erin and her doubles partner (who is still one of my dearest friends) planning out if they should have McDonald’s or Burger King post-match):
I started thinking about some of the lessons I learned playing for Coach Marable this week, and what their real-world application might be for me today:
Get mad, but channel it: Tennis players sound ridiculous when they say this, but tennis is a mental sport. You often play one-on-one with the same people and because it’s just you and them, they know your particular weaknesses and flaws. They understand what frustrates you and what shots you can’t return. They know exactly how to get under your skin. Missed shots, unlucky serves, bad calls: they will all build up and light your anger. Anger is fine. Anger is good. But misdirected anger will kill your game. Trying to punish your opponent almost never works. Slamming your racket feels good in the moment, but you’re breaking your tool. You have to punish the ball. You have to be in charge of the ball. You’re playing against the ball. You tell it where it can go.
Play smart, not perfect: Adaptive play is key. Sometimes, you have to sacrifice technical perfection for the simple advancement of keeping the ball in play. Playing messy is better than playing perfect.
Practice demands presence: Any junior high athlete knows this, but you cannot be good at something the first time you try it. When I coached volleyball last year, I continuously reminded my 4th and 5th graders that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at anything. By the end of the season, we’d played about 30 hours together. The more you show up, the better your game gets.
Know when to use your soft hands vs. your firm hands: Coach Marable was fond of saying “soft hands!” when you’d make an advance to the net. The temptation is to smack the ball straight into the next stratosphere, but if you kept soft hands, you could pay more attention to where you placed the ball, instead of just a show of power and domination. One well-placed shot is worth a thousand home runs. Soft hands make you use your brain and your muscles, not just your muscles. But also, know when you can take the big shot and go for it.
Watch the pros: I played tennis while the Williams sisters were coming into their power and could watch them for hours, especially their doubles play. I loved the way they seemed to have a shared language, how they worked together like two parts of the same mind. They never sacrificed their partner to make the big shot or to look better. They set each other up for success and paid attention to what the other one needed.
Stay teachable: The biggest lesson I ever learned from Coach Marable was “stay teachable.” There comes a point in everyone’s skill where it’s easy to say “I’m done! I’m the greatest! I know all the ins and outs and have achieved technical perfection!” Where you feel like there’s nothing more you can learn. Tennis is a lifelong sport, so you can plateau with this mindset. But if you’re in it for the long haul, you need to stay coachable, to continue to learn, to accept constructive criticism. You have to hold on to the idea that the longer you stay in the game, the more you can understand, the better player you can be. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. You don’t download your skills from the Matrix and immediately become excellent. It’s humbling to take lessons, especially in the third set of the regional tournament doubles finals and you’ve made 17 unforced errors (ASK ME HOW I KNOW), but humility and a willingness to adapt and reframe will be the only thing that allows you to do better.
No matter who you are, this week has probably been, on some level, hard. Insanely more difficult for some. Another level of trauma for some. Mildly uncomfortable for some. I know we are not even close to the finish line. I’ve spent a lot of time digging through what I’ve learned in my life that might be helpful and the key phrase I keep returning to is: stay teachable. It’s not an overnight thing. This New Yorker cartoon sums it up for me:
I feel that little white man’s windedness. I do not like it, it’s embarrassing and shameful, but I know I must stay teachable. I have to practice presence. I have to do the work personally, off-line and in real life. I have to be lead by experts and pros. This week, I am dealing with staying tender and teachable in my soul. Maybe you’ve watched one too many horrific protest videos. Maybe your family is on the verge of splitting. Maybe you’ve dealt with systemic racism your entire life and have suddenly become your white friends’ racial reconciliation expert. Whatever it is, I hope you get the rest you need to stay tender and teachable because we have to be committed to the marathon.
Of course, I have some treasures for you, because there are still good things in the world.
🙏 I mentioned this on social yesterday, but I have been pastored by Osheta Moore’s Breath Prayers on Instagram Live this week.
📚 I purchased this curriculum for my kids to go through by @readlikearockstar. When I posted about it yesterday, I had all the teachers coming out of the woodwork to say what a great education tool it was and how amazing these ladies are.
👰🏻 As some of us saw in the comments last week, Karen got MARRIED and I asked if I could share a picture with you. She said yes (see what I did there)! I mean, will you just look at this?
The dress! I die! The ferns like wedding guests standing tall around you! I cannot! Congratulations, Karen. We are thrilled for you and wishing you joy and tenderness!
🌟 I love long-read articles of classic Hollywood stars (it’s how I found Anne Helen Peterson!), and this yummy article about Ava Gardner was no exception. I will say: content warning in the third paragraph when she starts talking about why she stayed married to Frank Sinatra. 😦
Be well this weekend, friends. Stay in it and take a breather when you need to. Looking forward to hearing about your week and what you’re learning and pockets of joy you’ve found.
I missed this email! I figured Erin was too busy prepping for the live show and forgot to send it. Ha, I just forgot to check my email after 9 am.
This week I requested a bunch of recommended children’s books on race from the library and picked them up for my 2yo. We read the Little Leaders: Rosa Parks book at bedtime last night and it made the segue to talking about racism with him so much easier than just bringing it up out of the blue.
Unrelated, I’ve been reading a new retelling of Beauty and the Beast while I hold twins, and IT’S SO GOOD. It’s called A Curse So Dark and Lovely. I find myself wanting to read even when I desperately need sleep so you know it’s good.
This week, man. I keep thinking things can't get worse, and then they just do. Some simple treasures:
1 A place of lifegiving and respite during this whole pandemic/shelter in place thing has been our back yard. We decided to grow veggies this year and today we harvested our first cucumber.
2 It has been over 100 here all week so we have been having mandatory 3pm ice cream breaks every day. We stop staring at all the crazy news and struggling with all the work and personal stress. We sit on the front porch and eat ice cream and stare into space and try to remember that it is summer.
3. My little Old People Church (tm)* that is suuuper white and pretty clueless about how to engage with the 89% minority neighborhood they are located in have decided to host an antiracisim book club. Of course the first book they chose is by a white author - but still, a big step! So proud and excited for them! * This isn't me just making fun, we are the youngest people there, and we are 49. These sweet people are just the bees knees.
You all are the best! Thanks for your good wishes. 👰🏻🤵🏻🍾 My new husband and I are very happy. ❤️
This was an eye opening week for me. I’ve grown up and worked in rather non-diverse settings (understatement of the century), and while I’ve always had an idea that I was privileged because of my race, I’ve never done the work to try to understand WHAT THAT MEANS.
I felt challenged to make a plan. I’m a former high school teacher (who now does tutoring for a living), so making a learning plan felt doable. I ordered two books (Just Mercy & Notes from a Native Son) and have plans to do book club/discussions with three different friends. It feels like a start. I have so far to go.
Bri McKoy said something on her Insta stories this week that really helped me. She talked about the fact that social media doesn’t need to be the place we do our work. We all have work to do, and it can be heart work. The push right now is to be visible, but what matters is that we do the work and make the changes in our own hearts and spheres of influence. That’s how change happens.
Anyways, those are just a few of my thoughts. It’s been a very emotional and eye opening week.
Love love love the idea of staying teachable. This week has shown me that I have a LOT to learn about myself and the world, and I need to be open to sharing more, even if it's messy and imperfect.
This afternoon my kids and I read through a few books and then baked cookies, and if we were all together in real life, I'd give you a hug and share.
Erin, I hope you can remember why I might be one to appreciate a sports analogy. Especially a deep one like this. "Playing Messy is Better Than Playing Perfect". Might need to put that on a t-shirt, and that is my new mantra for my next chapter in this learning journey.
This has been a week of steady mental “yeah, buts” when I’ve found myself jumping to simplistic conclusions about everything I’ve been reading in the news. As a Canadian, it’s a bit easy for me to look at situations in the US and think to myself “well, that’s there and we’re very different here” which fundamentally is true (we may share a continent and have a lot in common, but there are innumerable differences between our two counties) but we have our own shameful history of systemic racism. We have nothing to be smug about, and a lot of work to do too.
I’ve had deeply meaningful conversations with friends and coworkers about the policing aspects of the stories, as I’m married to an RCMP officer. We are outraged by the actions the police officers who murdered George Floyd, and strongly believe they should be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law. It’s easy to think that our police are above such behaviour, but again, that’s a smugness that doesn’t always bear out under closer scrutiny.
As for treasures this week, well, I found a few:
- I got a haircut for the first time since February, and my stylist complimented my at-home bang trimming skills
- my son was named MVP of his school basketball team and that was pretty awesome.
- our reno projects are finally close to being finished (see: husband who does excellent home repairs but also has a pretty time-consuming job). At least the pantry is done so now our food is in there, and not piled on the kitchen table as it was for three weeks.
- I’ve picked up some extra shifts at work and have had lots of fun helping pick out new beauty and skin care products for people. Lipstick might not change the world, but it won’t hurt either!
- our dog made it through her dental surgery without issue and now has beautiful white teeth again. Only had to get one tooth pulled.
- bummed that we had to cancel our summer holiday plans to visit our families (we live thousands of kilometres away from all of our relatives) but that just means I have more time to tend to my gardens, so I’ve been planting up a storm!
Little Treasures is such a gift - thank you Erin. I'm consistently in awe of what I gain from your weekly emails and the community you've fostered here.
On point analogies, Erin. Thank you for sharing and again thank you for creating this community.
Karen! What a beautiful picture!
I'm a grump today for no real reason, but I am happy to be here. (Possibly in part because my husband had to leave for a work meeting in the middle of a conversation we were having in which we were disagreeing. Not fighting, fortunately, just on opposite sides of the discussion. But sitting the whole day with the convo unfinished is KILLING ME. We don't have to see eye to eye, but I need to finish the conversation!).
I'm looking forward to the show tomorrow night! Oh, and probably the biggest treasure this week was celebrating with some dear friends whose adoption was finalized yesterday. When the judge asked the kid (he's 13) "do you want Aaron and Ashley to be your parents forever?" I about bawled.
Cried through your tennis analogy & then that New Yorker cartoon really got me. That resonated with me deeply - there are so many takeaways from that one image.
Grateful for Danielle Coke (@ohhappydani) - she did a series of IG Lives where she addresses the Upward, Inward, & Outward work we are called to do. She incorporates her artwork into each session & they were so informative & helpful for me as I continue to dismantle my privilege and biases. Here’s the first one: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA6S8ZYFs02/
If y’all haven’t heard Johnnyswim’s “Songs With Strangers,” you gotta GET ON THAT. They did IG Lives and picked a person totally at random to write, record and produce a song with in one day. They are all incredible.
& here’s the website where they explain what they did & have videos of each session (I haven’t watched them bc they are like 7-8 hours long 😂 but if you’re curious...): http://thesongswithstrangers.com/
I’m lacking the energy and words for much else besides I’m grateful for what you shared, Erin, & for all of you here, as always & especially now.
Karen, congratulations! That picture is absolute perfection!
It has been a dumpster fire of a week for sure. I am working on listening and leaning in to POC. I too have reconsidered Colin Kapernick’s kneeling protest and am understanding better what he is/was trying to do.
Finished Dead To Me Season 2 on the Netflix and it was so good!! Highly recommend but there’s language so proceed with caution.
Found the It Was Simple podcast about Betty Broderick who murdered her ex-husband and his new wife back in the ‘80’s. Some of you may recall the movie that came out ages ago starring Meredith Baxter Birney. Well, there’s a new series on USA(I think) about it starting Amanda Peet and Christian Slater. Can’t wait to watch!
How did I not realize there was a comments section! Yay!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who loves old Hollywood scandals. My gramma used to be a hairdresser and loved all the “scandal rags”. Thanks for the article about Ava Gardner! There is a podcast called “you must remember this” that examines old Hollywood scandals. It’s fascinating.
Someone I know shared this on Facebook. The original poster is Michelle Autry and I do not know her, but she explained exactly what I went through the past few weeks:
I don't know if one old white lady can add anything of value to a conversation about race. But honest, civil conversation is exactly what needs to happen, so I'll give it a shot.
I used to define racism as any form of hatred or judgement that's based on skin color and external appearance. I taught that definition to my children and I believed it. Conveniently, by that definition, I am clearly not a racist. Racism is white sheets, N words, the KKK, David Duke, and separate water fountains. That's not me. I don't hate anybody. I love people equally. I recognize each human being as a creation of God, made in His image with plan and purpose. I honestly couldn't care less what color you are. Soooo... I'm exempt.
Isn't that nice?
When the BLM movement first began, I was in the camp saying, "Of course black lives matter. That goes without saying! All lives matter." I honestly believed the movement would serve only to create more division. I thought, "Where will it stop? Chinese lives matter. Marshallese lives matter. One life is no more or less important than another, so how does it benefit anyone to start specifying by race or ethnicity?"
I didn't get it. I didn't hear. But I'm not racist. I'm exempt.
When Colin Kaepernick took a knee, I was in the camp saying, "Look at this privileged little brat, making more money than I'll ever have in my life, complaining about how bad he has it in this country. What could he possibly have to protest? If he's trying to make a point, he sure picked a crappy way to do it. What a disrespectful gesture."
He tried telling me the flag didn't mean the same thing to him as it does to me and I didn't get it. I didn't hear. But I'm not racist. I'm exempt.
Each time a new death hit the news, I was in the camp that said, " Oh, surely not. There has to be more to it than meets the eye. We don't have all the facts yet."
I didn't get it. I didn't hear. But I'm not racist. I'm exempt.
And then I watched Ahmaud Arbery being shot in the street.
No. That's not quite right. I didn't watch it. I *saw* it. I saw you, Ahmaud.
And then George Floyd said, "I can't breathe." I heard you, George.
I hear you now.
I hear you. I hear you. I hear you.
And I'm sorry. The words are inadequate but they're all I have. I'm so sorry. People like me failed you.
I failed you.
And, God, I failed You, too. I am required to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly. And I haven't. Forgive me.
I'm sure I'm not the only old white person who is beginning to realize their personal definition of racism falls short and is self-serving. At least I hope I'm not. There's another, more insidious form of racism that isn't based on hatred, but is birthed from privilege and willful ignorance. It isn't loud and malicious. It's silent. That's the problem. The silence. The inaction. The insulation. The turning away. It thrives on complacency, blindness, and deafness.
By that definition, are you exempt? I'm not.
I am complicit.
I can't change the world and I can't change how I've always been. But I can change how I will be. When you know better, you do better. This ignorant old white lady is going to do better.
This week has been a real trip. On top of the dumpster fire that is our world right now, it’s been a hard personal week too. Stress causes all my health issues to become so much worse. Lots of pain and lots of anxiety. I deleted my socials this week because it was becoming less of a fun and educational tool and more of a “let’s open Twitter to see why I’m having a panic attack today” situation. So, I’m learning through podcasts and a few select news sources that email me. My treasures this week are few and far between, but I present these two:
Just let it wash over your soul. The harmonies? Gorgeous. The mini guitar? Perfection. The makeshift zoom chicken choir? Absolute fire. This is precisely what I needed in my life this week.
Anyone else answer "How you doing?" with .... "YOU KNOOOW!"
See that's how I answer the question now. A sing-songy YOUUU KNOOOOW
Danielle/Mookie knows my voice, I'm sure she could tell you how my not so Minnesotan voice sounds ;) (laughs) -- Truth, I do not sound an extra from Fargo. Also Fargo is in N. Dakota.
So. Where to begin?
First I'm so glad the 4 ex-officers were charged in the George Floyd case.. That's a step.
But this past week I have committed myself to donations throughout the summer to the following organizations. (I gave to the Lake Street rebuild collab last week; the funds they have raised, WOW!)
I'm also educating myself on businesses own by POC. This is something I own that I need to improve on. And I'm going to do it. I love supporting small business and local business, now if can be small, local and owned by a POC, that means all the more to me.
Curfews may still be happening this weekend? I'm not sure. I know in my county they have not. But last weekend? oh. it was a lot.
This week has been one of tough conversations and realizations.
It's also been one where I've been all spectrum of emotions. Sad, shame, anguish, and having intense conversations with my 13 year old. He stopped me at one point "Mom, you're not a racist, you know I'm not either. You're doing okay. I'm okay." And I think of the boys he plays with.... the homes we have been welcomed into. He asked me a lot of questions because Max has expressed interest in military service and then law enforcement as a close friend of ours was a Marine and now about to retire (yeah at age 44) from the SD Highway Patrol. Max worries now if that job and being white, will he be seen as a bad person for wanting to serve to protect his community (wherever that might be). It's hard to tell a 13 year old not to want to think of a future he was building in his head. So phew! There's that.
Does it feel weird to think of treasures this week?
1. Super psyched for a certain online live partaaaayyy on Saturday. I will busy the children (and the husband) pour myself a glass of wine and enjoy the Popcast Live show. Reading Knox's book is next on the list.
I have been really trying to show my neck skin love and this stuff? Guys. I want to run around and be like TOUCH MY NECK.
That's not weird right? Of course not.
3. Linen pants. I love linen pants. I am wearing some today and I love how I toss these babies on, a comfy solid tee and my favorite black slide sandals and BAM I feel like I'm together. - The ones I ordered from Daily Ritual from Amazon are no longer available. If you have a Linen pants provider you love, help a gal out and let her know.
4. Being okay with allowing myself wine when I need it - obvs when I am at home and not at the office ;) . I have this glass that friends gave me that has portion lines on it that read "Classy - Sassy - Bad A$$y". I find just pouring to that first line. Keeping it Classy! Well. It's been something I am not apologizing for it anymore.
5. Long walks. Long walks save me. Long walks are everything.
I would write more but my to-do list here at work gave me the stink eye.
This. This is a hard lesson for me, but this week has prompted me to embrace the messy vs. perfect.
I've been working on educating myself this week and have found these things to be some treasures in the work:
1. I have had The Very Good Gospel by Lisa Sharon Harper on my shelf for a couple of months, but picked it up this week. It is mind blowing in such a good way. She is also one of my favorites on IG.
2. I've been following Marci @blackcoffeewithwhitefriends on IG for about a year, and just joined her patreon Mockingbird History Lessons. Whoa. Her writing and thoughts and way of presenting history that I have never read or heard about before is just beautiful. Also, her book club on Goodreads is a joy.
3. I second Osheta Moore - her breath prayers, posts, videos, words. She is a treasure.
Karen- You look like a deliriously happy woodland fairy, and I mean that in the richest sense of those words, not in the Disney Tinkerbell sense. Thank you for sharing your joy with us. When the world around us is burning, it is so helpful and hopeful to rejoice in marriages and babies and life.
THAT WEDDING PHOTO. KAREN. Incredible. My treasure this week was finally announcing our pregnancy! After three years of trying, two years of treatment and a whole lot of shots (not the fun kind), my baby girl will be here in January. 🤗 I am stocking up on the incredible resources everyone has shared about bringing up race and privilege, and I can't wait to raise her to be better than the generations before her.
Karen, that picture! Gorgeous. I hope you had a lovely wedding day! 😊
My treasure this week is Lil Treasures! The two weeks before last I was too exhausted to open my emails, but I've gone back and read the newsletters and comments that I'd missed and you guys, you're the freaking best!!! The jokes, the love and support in the comments... I laughed. I cried. And I felt bad for not being here. Especially when I read Erin's lovely words from May 15. I love being a part of this community! 🤗 Is this comment too sappy? Oh well... 🤷♀️
Karen!! Thank you for sharing that beautiful wedding picture with us. That is one of my pockets of joy this week 😊
Another- my sister sent my babies slightly creepy, slightly hilarious onesies covered with her face. They are wearing them today and I keep giggling as I see them running around with my sisters disembodied head bobbling around on their jiggly bellies.
And not necessarily a moment of joy, but an extremely profound moment for me was attending a socially distant, honk and drive protest with a friend over the weekend (where, ironically, I probably picked up the coronavirus 😫🤦🏻♀️). I’m still struggling to put into words what being there meant. So glad that I went, even if I end up with the virus as a result. Worth it.
I'm in grad school for my MLIS (library stuffs) - and started back to summer semester this week with a class on Materials and Resources for Youth. Looking at colorful reading list ahead of me this summer, (i GET to read YA lit for school. HOW LUCKY AM I?) I am SO thankful to be learning in a profession that takes diversity and justice seriously. I had to sit with my overwhelm this week and listen to what that was telling me about where I need to grow and learn more.
I'm moved into my own apartment (with the help of the Boy and his big-A truck. Date good rednecks yall. it comes in handy) and I've only freaked out about being alone a couple of times. My reading nook makes up for getting used to being with myself.
Love the New Yorker cartoon - thank you for that! I feel so inadequate this week, but struggling to figure out the best way to move up that hill. And that baby! Hahaha
My lil' treasure from this week - Free listening to the audiobook Stamped From the Beginning by Ibram X. Kendi on Spotify!
Wow. Those lessons are great! So good for right now. I’ve definitely been in learning mode this week and picked up several books and followed several more POC instagrams to learn from. I’m still at a loss for how to support our POC sisters and brothers but I know educating myself and standing with them is a start. And to owning my own white privilege and fragility and letting it it not stop me from doing what is good and right. What is love and kindness.
I also haven fought to be optimistic this week. I once was a complete pessimist but worked hard to change my ways but I have seen beauty in the broken and there is beauty in the hard work of learning.
Treasure for this week is the Lord of the Rings reunited with Josh Gad. I cried and laughed and now I must watch the movies again. It was like revisiting favorite friends. ❤️❤️❤️
I sadly had to cancel my hair appointment today because our a/c has been broken for 2 days but for the last 20 minutes it has been working so praise the Lord! The heat sent me into a RA flare which is discouraging.
Sometimes life is bittersweet.
The sweetness of Karen’s new marriage is the best. And Karen that dress is gorgeous and you look stunning. 😍😍😍😍
I missed this email! I figured Erin was too busy prepping for the live show and forgot to send it. Ha, I just forgot to check my email after 9 am.
This week I requested a bunch of recommended children’s books on race from the library and picked them up for my 2yo. We read the Little Leaders: Rosa Parks book at bedtime last night and it made the segue to talking about racism with him so much easier than just bringing it up out of the blue.
Unrelated, I’ve been reading a new retelling of Beauty and the Beast while I hold twins, and IT’S SO GOOD. It’s called A Curse So Dark and Lovely. I find myself wanting to read even when I desperately need sleep so you know it’s good.
Erin~you are my queen because of the way you answered your critics on the ‘gram this week.
This week, man. I keep thinking things can't get worse, and then they just do. Some simple treasures:
1 A place of lifegiving and respite during this whole pandemic/shelter in place thing has been our back yard. We decided to grow veggies this year and today we harvested our first cucumber.
2 It has been over 100 here all week so we have been having mandatory 3pm ice cream breaks every day. We stop staring at all the crazy news and struggling with all the work and personal stress. We sit on the front porch and eat ice cream and stare into space and try to remember that it is summer.
3. My little Old People Church (tm)* that is suuuper white and pretty clueless about how to engage with the 89% minority neighborhood they are located in have decided to host an antiracisim book club. Of course the first book they chose is by a white author - but still, a big step! So proud and excited for them! * This isn't me just making fun, we are the youngest people there, and we are 49. These sweet people are just the bees knees.
You all are the best! Thanks for your good wishes. 👰🏻🤵🏻🍾 My new husband and I are very happy. ❤️
This was an eye opening week for me. I’ve grown up and worked in rather non-diverse settings (understatement of the century), and while I’ve always had an idea that I was privileged because of my race, I’ve never done the work to try to understand WHAT THAT MEANS.
I felt challenged to make a plan. I’m a former high school teacher (who now does tutoring for a living), so making a learning plan felt doable. I ordered two books (Just Mercy & Notes from a Native Son) and have plans to do book club/discussions with three different friends. It feels like a start. I have so far to go.
Bri McKoy said something on her Insta stories this week that really helped me. She talked about the fact that social media doesn’t need to be the place we do our work. We all have work to do, and it can be heart work. The push right now is to be visible, but what matters is that we do the work and make the changes in our own hearts and spheres of influence. That’s how change happens.
Anyways, those are just a few of my thoughts. It’s been a very emotional and eye opening week.
Get mad, but channel it.
So, so good. Especially now. Thank you for sharing these Wimbledon worthy tips, Erin!
Love love love the idea of staying teachable. This week has shown me that I have a LOT to learn about myself and the world, and I need to be open to sharing more, even if it's messy and imperfect.
This afternoon my kids and I read through a few books and then baked cookies, and if we were all together in real life, I'd give you a hug and share.
(Since I can't, here's the recipe. Kind of fussy, but WELL WORTH IT) https://www.kevinandamanda.com/kevin-amanda-secret-ingredient-christmas-cookies/
Erin, I hope you can remember why I might be one to appreciate a sports analogy. Especially a deep one like this. "Playing Messy is Better Than Playing Perfect". Might need to put that on a t-shirt, and that is my new mantra for my next chapter in this learning journey.
Hey fellow Lil Swipes!
This has been a week of steady mental “yeah, buts” when I’ve found myself jumping to simplistic conclusions about everything I’ve been reading in the news. As a Canadian, it’s a bit easy for me to look at situations in the US and think to myself “well, that’s there and we’re very different here” which fundamentally is true (we may share a continent and have a lot in common, but there are innumerable differences between our two counties) but we have our own shameful history of systemic racism. We have nothing to be smug about, and a lot of work to do too.
I’ve had deeply meaningful conversations with friends and coworkers about the policing aspects of the stories, as I’m married to an RCMP officer. We are outraged by the actions the police officers who murdered George Floyd, and strongly believe they should be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law. It’s easy to think that our police are above such behaviour, but again, that’s a smugness that doesn’t always bear out under closer scrutiny.
As for treasures this week, well, I found a few:
- I got a haircut for the first time since February, and my stylist complimented my at-home bang trimming skills
- my son was named MVP of his school basketball team and that was pretty awesome.
- our reno projects are finally close to being finished (see: husband who does excellent home repairs but also has a pretty time-consuming job). At least the pantry is done so now our food is in there, and not piled on the kitchen table as it was for three weeks.
- I’ve picked up some extra shifts at work and have had lots of fun helping pick out new beauty and skin care products for people. Lipstick might not change the world, but it won’t hurt either!
- our dog made it through her dental surgery without issue and now has beautiful white teeth again. Only had to get one tooth pulled.
- bummed that we had to cancel our summer holiday plans to visit our families (we live thousands of kilometres away from all of our relatives) but that just means I have more time to tend to my gardens, so I’ve been planting up a storm!
Be brave, be kind, be curious 💕
Little Treasures is such a gift - thank you Erin. I'm consistently in awe of what I gain from your weekly emails and the community you've fostered here.
On point analogies, Erin. Thank you for sharing and again thank you for creating this community.
Karen! What a beautiful picture!
I'm a grump today for no real reason, but I am happy to be here. (Possibly in part because my husband had to leave for a work meeting in the middle of a conversation we were having in which we were disagreeing. Not fighting, fortunately, just on opposite sides of the discussion. But sitting the whole day with the convo unfinished is KILLING ME. We don't have to see eye to eye, but I need to finish the conversation!).
I'm looking forward to the show tomorrow night! Oh, and probably the biggest treasure this week was celebrating with some dear friends whose adoption was finalized yesterday. When the judge asked the kid (he's 13) "do you want Aaron and Ashley to be your parents forever?" I about bawled.
Love to you all!
Cried through your tennis analogy & then that New Yorker cartoon really got me. That resonated with me deeply - there are so many takeaways from that one image.
Grateful for Danielle Coke (@ohhappydani) - she did a series of IG Lives where she addresses the Upward, Inward, & Outward work we are called to do. She incorporates her artwork into each session & they were so informative & helpful for me as I continue to dismantle my privilege and biases. Here’s the first one: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA6S8ZYFs02/
If y’all haven’t heard Johnnyswim’s “Songs With Strangers,” you gotta GET ON THAT. They did IG Lives and picked a person totally at random to write, record and produce a song with in one day. They are all incredible.
Here’s the Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/johnnyswim/playlist/0oo7MtPwU9dEyBHUkNXpQp?si=kpwcE5I5RWu5y7DGUo6aag
& here’s the website where they explain what they did & have videos of each session (I haven’t watched them bc they are like 7-8 hours long 😂 but if you’re curious...): http://thesongswithstrangers.com/
I’m lacking the energy and words for much else besides I’m grateful for what you shared, Erin, & for all of you here, as always & especially now.
Hugs to my fellow Swipes! 💗
Hey ladies!!!
Karen, congratulations! That picture is absolute perfection!
It has been a dumpster fire of a week for sure. I am working on listening and leaning in to POC. I too have reconsidered Colin Kapernick’s kneeling protest and am understanding better what he is/was trying to do.
Finished Dead To Me Season 2 on the Netflix and it was so good!! Highly recommend but there’s language so proceed with caution.
Found the It Was Simple podcast about Betty Broderick who murdered her ex-husband and his new wife back in the ‘80’s. Some of you may recall the movie that came out ages ago starring Meredith Baxter Birney. Well, there’s a new series on USA(I think) about it starting Amanda Peet and Christian Slater. Can’t wait to watch!
How did I not realize there was a comments section! Yay!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who loves old Hollywood scandals. My gramma used to be a hairdresser and loved all the “scandal rags”. Thanks for the article about Ava Gardner! There is a podcast called “you must remember this” that examines old Hollywood scandals. It’s fascinating.
Have a great week everyone!
Someone I know shared this on Facebook. The original poster is Michelle Autry and I do not know her, but she explained exactly what I went through the past few weeks:
I don't know if one old white lady can add anything of value to a conversation about race. But honest, civil conversation is exactly what needs to happen, so I'll give it a shot.
I used to define racism as any form of hatred or judgement that's based on skin color and external appearance. I taught that definition to my children and I believed it. Conveniently, by that definition, I am clearly not a racist. Racism is white sheets, N words, the KKK, David Duke, and separate water fountains. That's not me. I don't hate anybody. I love people equally. I recognize each human being as a creation of God, made in His image with plan and purpose. I honestly couldn't care less what color you are. Soooo... I'm exempt.
Isn't that nice?
When the BLM movement first began, I was in the camp saying, "Of course black lives matter. That goes without saying! All lives matter." I honestly believed the movement would serve only to create more division. I thought, "Where will it stop? Chinese lives matter. Marshallese lives matter. One life is no more or less important than another, so how does it benefit anyone to start specifying by race or ethnicity?"
I didn't get it. I didn't hear. But I'm not racist. I'm exempt.
When Colin Kaepernick took a knee, I was in the camp saying, "Look at this privileged little brat, making more money than I'll ever have in my life, complaining about how bad he has it in this country. What could he possibly have to protest? If he's trying to make a point, he sure picked a crappy way to do it. What a disrespectful gesture."
He tried telling me the flag didn't mean the same thing to him as it does to me and I didn't get it. I didn't hear. But I'm not racist. I'm exempt.
Each time a new death hit the news, I was in the camp that said, " Oh, surely not. There has to be more to it than meets the eye. We don't have all the facts yet."
I didn't get it. I didn't hear. But I'm not racist. I'm exempt.
And then I watched Ahmaud Arbery being shot in the street.
No. That's not quite right. I didn't watch it. I *saw* it. I saw you, Ahmaud.
And then George Floyd said, "I can't breathe." I heard you, George.
I hear you now.
I hear you. I hear you. I hear you.
And I'm sorry. The words are inadequate but they're all I have. I'm so sorry. People like me failed you.
I failed you.
And, God, I failed You, too. I am required to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly. And I haven't. Forgive me.
I'm sure I'm not the only old white person who is beginning to realize their personal definition of racism falls short and is self-serving. At least I hope I'm not. There's another, more insidious form of racism that isn't based on hatred, but is birthed from privilege and willful ignorance. It isn't loud and malicious. It's silent. That's the problem. The silence. The inaction. The insulation. The turning away. It thrives on complacency, blindness, and deafness.
By that definition, are you exempt? I'm not.
I am complicit.
I can't change the world and I can't change how I've always been. But I can change how I will be. When you know better, you do better. This ignorant old white lady is going to do better.
Psalm 51, Hebrews 10:22
This week has been a real trip. On top of the dumpster fire that is our world right now, it’s been a hard personal week too. Stress causes all my health issues to become so much worse. Lots of pain and lots of anxiety. I deleted my socials this week because it was becoming less of a fun and educational tool and more of a “let’s open Twitter to see why I’m having a panic attack today” situation. So, I’m learning through podcasts and a few select news sources that email me. My treasures this week are few and far between, but I present these two:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AoS0eKC-XoQ
Yes. It’s an auto-tuned Pope. Why do I enjoy this so much?!?
Also. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vQfw1NnudrE
Just let it wash over your soul. The harmonies? Gorgeous. The mini guitar? Perfection. The makeshift zoom chicken choir? Absolute fire. This is precisely what I needed in my life this week.
I Stan for your Matrix reference. 😂😂😂
That James Corden video did so many things for my heart <3 <3 <3
Good morning from Mn!
Oof.
Well.
Anyone else answer "How you doing?" with .... "YOU KNOOOW!"
See that's how I answer the question now. A sing-songy YOUUU KNOOOOW
Danielle/Mookie knows my voice, I'm sure she could tell you how my not so Minnesotan voice sounds ;) (laughs) -- Truth, I do not sound an extra from Fargo. Also Fargo is in N. Dakota.
So. Where to begin?
First I'm so glad the 4 ex-officers were charged in the George Floyd case.. That's a step.
But this past week I have committed myself to donations throughout the summer to the following organizations. (I gave to the Lake Street rebuild collab last week; the funds they have raised, WOW!)
Causes the will help the Midway community in St. Paul: https://www.openhandsmidway.org/
https://www.hamlinemidway.org/
Causes to help with hunger issues in both communities: https://www.thesheridanstory.org/
I'm also educating myself on businesses own by POC. This is something I own that I need to improve on. And I'm going to do it. I love supporting small business and local business, now if can be small, local and owned by a POC, that means all the more to me.
Curfews may still be happening this weekend? I'm not sure. I know in my county they have not. But last weekend? oh. it was a lot.
This week has been one of tough conversations and realizations.
It's also been one where I've been all spectrum of emotions. Sad, shame, anguish, and having intense conversations with my 13 year old. He stopped me at one point "Mom, you're not a racist, you know I'm not either. You're doing okay. I'm okay." And I think of the boys he plays with.... the homes we have been welcomed into. He asked me a lot of questions because Max has expressed interest in military service and then law enforcement as a close friend of ours was a Marine and now about to retire (yeah at age 44) from the SD Highway Patrol. Max worries now if that job and being white, will he be seen as a bad person for wanting to serve to protect his community (wherever that might be). It's hard to tell a 13 year old not to want to think of a future he was building in his head. So phew! There's that.
Does it feel weird to think of treasures this week?
1. Super psyched for a certain online live partaaaayyy on Saturday. I will busy the children (and the husband) pour myself a glass of wine and enjoy the Popcast Live show. Reading Knox's book is next on the list.
2. In my ongoing "USE IT ALL UP!" effort, I have rediscovered my love for Origins face products. Full disclosure, I work for Aveda, Aveda is owned by Estee Lauder, Estee Lauder also owns Origins (guys Estee Lauder owns a LOT of companies). I got a few Origins items at a much reduced price on a whim and now am in LOVE with this serum--> https://www.origins.com/product/15347/34736/skincare/treat/serums/original-skin/renewal-serum-with-willowherb#/sku/73345
I have been really trying to show my neck skin love and this stuff? Guys. I want to run around and be like TOUCH MY NECK.
That's not weird right? Of course not.
3. Linen pants. I love linen pants. I am wearing some today and I love how I toss these babies on, a comfy solid tee and my favorite black slide sandals and BAM I feel like I'm together. - The ones I ordered from Daily Ritual from Amazon are no longer available. If you have a Linen pants provider you love, help a gal out and let her know.
4. Being okay with allowing myself wine when I need it - obvs when I am at home and not at the office ;) . I have this glass that friends gave me that has portion lines on it that read "Classy - Sassy - Bad A$$y". I find just pouring to that first line. Keeping it Classy! Well. It's been something I am not apologizing for it anymore.
5. Long walks. Long walks save me. Long walks are everything.
I would write more but my to-do list here at work gave me the stink eye.
I love you all
I mean it.
Mel
"Playing messy is better than playing perfect."
This. This is a hard lesson for me, but this week has prompted me to embrace the messy vs. perfect.
I've been working on educating myself this week and have found these things to be some treasures in the work:
1. I have had The Very Good Gospel by Lisa Sharon Harper on my shelf for a couple of months, but picked it up this week. It is mind blowing in such a good way. She is also one of my favorites on IG.
2. I've been following Marci @blackcoffeewithwhitefriends on IG for about a year, and just joined her patreon Mockingbird History Lessons. Whoa. Her writing and thoughts and way of presenting history that I have never read or heard about before is just beautiful. Also, her book club on Goodreads is a joy.
3. I second Osheta Moore - her breath prayers, posts, videos, words. She is a treasure.
4. This video by Carlos Whittaker - https://www.instagram.com/tv/CBBLDCFFzLb/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link was incredibly helpful for me.
Karen- You look like a deliriously happy woodland fairy, and I mean that in the richest sense of those words, not in the Disney Tinkerbell sense. Thank you for sharing your joy with us. When the world around us is burning, it is so helpful and hopeful to rejoice in marriages and babies and life.
THAT WEDDING PHOTO. KAREN. Incredible. My treasure this week was finally announcing our pregnancy! After three years of trying, two years of treatment and a whole lot of shots (not the fun kind), my baby girl will be here in January. 🤗 I am stocking up on the incredible resources everyone has shared about bringing up race and privilege, and I can't wait to raise her to be better than the generations before her.
Karen, that picture! Gorgeous. I hope you had a lovely wedding day! 😊
My treasure this week is Lil Treasures! The two weeks before last I was too exhausted to open my emails, but I've gone back and read the newsletters and comments that I'd missed and you guys, you're the freaking best!!! The jokes, the love and support in the comments... I laughed. I cried. And I felt bad for not being here. Especially when I read Erin's lovely words from May 15. I love being a part of this community! 🤗 Is this comment too sappy? Oh well... 🤷♀️
Karen!! Thank you for sharing that beautiful wedding picture with us. That is one of my pockets of joy this week 😊
Another- my sister sent my babies slightly creepy, slightly hilarious onesies covered with her face. They are wearing them today and I keep giggling as I see them running around with my sisters disembodied head bobbling around on their jiggly bellies.
And not necessarily a moment of joy, but an extremely profound moment for me was attending a socially distant, honk and drive protest with a friend over the weekend (where, ironically, I probably picked up the coronavirus 😫🤦🏻♀️). I’m still struggling to put into words what being there meant. So glad that I went, even if I end up with the virus as a result. Worth it.
I'm in grad school for my MLIS (library stuffs) - and started back to summer semester this week with a class on Materials and Resources for Youth. Looking at colorful reading list ahead of me this summer, (i GET to read YA lit for school. HOW LUCKY AM I?) I am SO thankful to be learning in a profession that takes diversity and justice seriously. I had to sit with my overwhelm this week and listen to what that was telling me about where I need to grow and learn more.
I'm moved into my own apartment (with the help of the Boy and his big-A truck. Date good rednecks yall. it comes in handy) and I've only freaked out about being alone a couple of times. My reading nook makes up for getting used to being with myself.
Love the New Yorker cartoon - thank you for that! I feel so inadequate this week, but struggling to figure out the best way to move up that hill. And that baby! Hahaha
My lil' treasure from this week - Free listening to the audiobook Stamped From the Beginning by Ibram X. Kendi on Spotify!
https://bookriot.com/2020/06/04/stamped-from-the-beginning-by-ibram-x-kendi-free-on-spotify
Wow. Those lessons are great! So good for right now. I’ve definitely been in learning mode this week and picked up several books and followed several more POC instagrams to learn from. I’m still at a loss for how to support our POC sisters and brothers but I know educating myself and standing with them is a start. And to owning my own white privilege and fragility and letting it it not stop me from doing what is good and right. What is love and kindness.
I also haven fought to be optimistic this week. I once was a complete pessimist but worked hard to change my ways but I have seen beauty in the broken and there is beauty in the hard work of learning.
Treasure for this week is the Lord of the Rings reunited with Josh Gad. I cried and laughed and now I must watch the movies again. It was like revisiting favorite friends. ❤️❤️❤️
I sadly had to cancel my hair appointment today because our a/c has been broken for 2 days but for the last 20 minutes it has been working so praise the Lord! The heat sent me into a RA flare which is discouraging.
Sometimes life is bittersweet.
The sweetness of Karen’s new marriage is the best. And Karen that dress is gorgeous and you look stunning. 😍😍😍😍