🌞 Lil Treasures #177: Faith Sabbaticals and Victorian Wife Summer

We're talking frenemies, how to throw your own birthday party, the best spot in the Eras setlist to pee, and more!

It’s a fabulous Q+A week over here and I want to dive right in so we don’t take up too much of that inbox space. Before we do that, I did answer one doozie of a question about my thoughts on litter boxes in schools (but of course, it went off the rails) behind the Swipe Up paywall. If you’ve like to read it, Substack created a cool option for a free 14-day trial. I hope you’ll stick around after that, but if you just want to poke around for a couple of weeks, that’s cool too! Just click the button below and it will give you the option to upgrade with the free trial.

Q: How do you deal with your kids having frenemies?
A: Okay so this is parenting advice adapted from The Mindy Project.

I have pounded this into my girls’ heads since the dawn of time because you would NOT BELIEVE the social currency around who is whose best friend and we can’t be friends anymore because that girl is your best friend now and it is truly so frustrating to 1) watch your kid navigate a relationship with a frenemy and 2) have to listen to the breakdown every day. I know we’re all committed to listening to the breakdown because Dr. Becky Good Inside says to and I get it, but there comes a point when your kid talks incessantly about the nuances and minute details of Roblox and then one day it switches to this person said this to this other person and they are mad at me because I want to be friends with both of them and you are just like:

We try to work in tiers and I’ll tell you why in just a minute. But for us, the tiers work like this: there is the Post-partum Diaper tier, the Swimsuit tier, the Casserole tier, and the Grocery Store tier.

The Grocery Story tier is anyone you’d stop to say hello and chat with at the grocery store (obviously). We’ve all done the thing where we see someone we’re acquainted with at the Piggly Wiggly and we go out of our way to avoid them, not because we don’t like them, but because what would you say? This is a person you’re comfortable talking to over some raw eggplant. You’ve might have been to this person’s house, but only in a group setting.

The Casserole tier is anyone who would bring you a casserole if you were in a crisis. You’re not good enough friends to sit in the mess of the crisis with them, but you free up their Swimsuit and Post-partum Diaper friends to do that by bringing meals or mowing their lawn.

The Swimsuit tier is anyone who has seen you in your swimsuit, emotionally or otherwise. They drove eight hours one day to go to your dad’s funeral, you send each other ridiculous memes, they’ve seen your house in the state of horror we sometimes get to, but everyone pretends like they don’t. These friends know how to get a hold of your mom, they know all your good stories, they remember your kid doesn’t like cheese and helps them pick it off their pizza, all while absolutely roasting you for raising a cheese-free child.

The Post-partum Diaper tier is the best friend tier Mindy told us about. Did you know when you give birth, you wear a diaper for like, two weeks? It’s technically like a giant mesh panty with a pad the size of a king-size duvet chilling in the crotch, but it’s there because your organs are attempting to exit your body. You are damp in so many ways, only God can truly number them. These are the friends who have seen you in your worst state, and they just went with it. You have their names down to pick up your kids from school in an emergency. They have a key to your apartment. They have seen you leaking and vulnerable, and they stayed.

So I explain all that to you because part of a parents’ job is to help their kids discern what friend goes where, because the closer you are with a person, they more they see the real you. And not everyone should be trusted with that, especially for kids. We spent a lot of my eldest daughter’s early school life trying to guide her in how much she shared of herself with those who would use it to hurt her or control her or even just be flippant with her feelings. Not everyone gets to be trusted with your heart, you know?

Talk with your daughter about the kind of friend she wants to be, and then help her see she deserves that as well. Maybe identify with her some friends that fall in to each category (I recommend re-naming them; no need to terrify a child with an explanation of a post-partum diaper friend) and see where she puts this frenemy. She may already know, and if not, maybe you can help her get a handle on where she puts people.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in child/tween/teen friendships is that people move in and out of the tiers pretty often. Some of that is due to proximity (maybe they aren’t in the same class anymore at school, or camp is over). Some is due to changing maturity levels (a friend who was an absolute menace one year can grow up and change). Your kids will go through cycles with their friends; the best thing you can do is be a good listener and confidant. Encourage her if she wants to vent about a friend, to do that with you. You’re not going to use it against her, and it builds up that connection between the two of you where she knows its safe to talk to you about this type of thing. One thing I will warn against because I’ve done it and it takes a minute to repair: writing off one of your kid’s friends. Yes, they annoy you. Yes, you’ve heard stories about how mean they are to your kid. Yes, you want to look up their home address and toilet-paper their yard. But dismissing or being openly hostile towards a friend will almost always bite you in butt (Unless of course this person is being violent or hateful towards your kid. Then walk in freedom). Sharing concerns about how a friend is behaving or observations about how your child behaves around this friend is different, but I think it should be done with careful tenderness and consideration.

Q: What’s a fiction book you’ve loved recently?
A: I’m currently reading Clytemnestra by Constanza Casati and it is fantastic.

Q: How to throw your own birthday party. Feel like it’s weird to ask people to celebrate me.
A: My birthday hit right after we all started hardcore quarantining at the beginning of the pandemic, and now everytime my birthday rolls around, the body keeps the score, etc. I think as you get older, birthdays slowly transform from celebrations of you specifically, to celebrations of your life. When we’re younger, these celebrations happen all the time, but as you age, there’s not much in that middle space. Throwing your own birthday party is just an excuse to be with your people, to share joy with one another, and after the last several years, I’m going lean into the togetherness, and who cares if it’s weird. I think maybe something that makes it easier is to plan your party with your people in mind. You don’t have to have a ridiculous 80s costume party with a dance floor and karaoke. You could take all your friends out to dinner at your favorite restaurant. Go on a trip. Think about the ways you want to celebrate your friends: birthdays, promotions, marriages, graduations, new houses. They want to do that for you! And because you’re an adult, you honor them and their place in your life. Splurge on food, get the concert tickets, invest in the experience because as much as it’s a celebration of you, it can also be a celebration of your life and these people are a part of that! PRO TIP: Don’t call it a pre-funeral, because you will traumatize one or two of your children.

Q: What’s the best spot in the Eras setlist to go pee?
A: [this answer contains setlist spoilers so look no further if you do not wish for that] There was only one logical spot for me to pee: as soon as Lover was over, I headed to the bathroom. The Archer is my least favorite TS song (I actually don’t love Lover, but I am glad I stayed because the choreography and staging was killer), I didn’t mind missing Fearless, but I definitely wanted to be back by You Belong With Me. I thought Enchanted would be my moment, but I did not want to miss anything on either side of it, so I picked this one instead. Other tips? Comfy shoes are a must, I regretted my shapewear, and BYOV (bring your own vibe). Most everyone was happy and excited, but we had a few not-quite-as-demonstrative folks in our section. Don’t let the sour faces bring you down. Enjoy it however you want (you know, in a way that doesn’t impede on anyone else’s enjoyment).

The treasures await!

🗓️ Attention all parents of school-aged children, if you didn’t know already it is now MAY. May for the parents of school-aged children is really worse than December. My friend Kelly Bandas describes every parent's journey through this month perfectly. In addition to 41 new activities a week, we also have my youngest who is graduating from preschool and I’M NOT OKAY.

🤩 I admit I canceled The Jedi on an episode of Popcast this past week BUT isn’t this old video of Adam Scott meeting Mark Hamill on the Jimmy Kimmel show is the most wholesome thing!

🖼️ This article about the artist behind the covers for the Babysitter’s Club books is excellent, and I don’t think I realized how deeply ingrained they all were in my heart.

🥳 I also particularly enjoyed this video of David Oyelowo getting surprised by his kids for his birthday.

🤠 We dropped a new episode on The Bible Binge yesterday all about Faith Sabbaticals. I definitely have a vulnerability hangover from it, but we all got extremely candid about what it’s like to take a faith break. There is even a special “Andy Alert” for my pure-hearted father, a dedicated listener, for those moments when he really needs to turn the volume down. You can listen to it wherever you get your pods!

The best tweets from this week ⭐

As we wrap up another week of treasures, please be sure to leave some of yours below! Are you a lurker who’s been thinking about it for a while? There’s no time like the present, pals. I always look forward to reading all the things that come from your beautiful and brilliant minds. See you next time!