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The other day I was driving back to Birmingham from North Carolina. I went to Asheville to do some writing, and on my way back, I stopped at an unfamiliar Chick-Fil-A in Georgia.
I expect Georgian Chick-Fil-As to have to together to a more intense degree than any of the others. It’s a home-field advantage and one of the Cathys could, theoretically, stop by at any moment. It was during the lunch rush and the parking lot of this particular CFA was small. As is their way now, a pack of high school homeschoolers armed with safety vests and a better sense of life direction than I’ve ever had were directing traffic and smashing orders into iPads. I parked and walked in because I’m still out here trying not to live that deep vein thrombosis life.
As I passed the drive-thru line, a young customer was panicking. I could see her desperate gesticulations to the safety-vest homeschoolers, her voice rising an octave higher in an attempt to convey the seriousness of the situation. The line was too long, she was late for something, and she was trapped. From my vantage point, it looked like her only option was to stay in line and suffer the consequences.
Unfortunately, Desperate Gesticulations chose the wrong Safety-Vest Homeschooler to solve this problem. We’ll call him Thorn (feels like a good homeschooler name: nature-y, with a double spiritual meaning). Thorn (bless him) did not have a fully matured frontal cortex to deal with ALL OF THE PROBLEMS needing to be solved simultaneously. Thorn looked at this poor woman like a musical theatre major suddenly transported into the mission control room at NASA in the middle of the Apollo 13 crisis. 100% under-qualified to be there, but also 100% cognizant of how much he does not know. Painfully aware of his shortcomings. Wondering if a rousing rendition of “I Dreamed A Dream” would solve this problem. Desperately wishing he had paid more attention in Algebra 099, still with the understanding that he was IN THE TALL GRASS NOW.
Traffic was backing up. Thorn continued to stare into this woman’s eyes as if he could make her disappear by sheer force of will. The wheels were beginning to fall off at the Douglasville CFA, and then, like a beatific entity, Angela appeared.
If Thorn was the Frodo Baggins of this operation (and he was…), Angela was Galadriel: her powers so strong, her life force so immensely overwhelming, Thorn seemed diminished and grey in her shadow, as if years of youth group being his sole level of socialization had left him weakened and frail*.
Angela assessed the situation and immediately jumped into action. She calmly removed Thorn from the equation. She firmly stopped the flow of traffic leaving the restaurant, so that Desperate Gesticulations could have enough turn-around room. She guided that van through a 10 point back up that would make Nick Saban sign her up for The Process on the spot. She shouted encouragement as Desperate Gesticulations left the parking lot and drove to whatever ill-timed appointment she remembered she had while inside the belly of the beast. In the moment, Angela’s safety vest and red polo faded away, and we few that witnessed this taking of charge felt lifted to a higher plane of existence.
She walked over to Thorn, who was probably equal parts in love with and terrified of her, placed her hands on his shoulders. I happened to be walking by them at this point and heard her say, “This is hard, but people are counting on us for their chicken. Get back in there. You can do it.”
Lil Swipes: a word has been received from Angela, our Lady of the Woods of Lothlorien. PEOPLE ARE COUNTING ON US FOR THEIR CHICKEN. I know December is hard, but we can do it, because Angela is allowing us to acknowledge the hard, but giving us the power to get back in there.
I hope these last couple of weeks of 2019 are good for you. And if they’re not, I hope you can remember that even now, Thorn is back at it in the Douglasville CFA, safety vest strapped tight, imbued with heretofore unknown and unseen confidence, taking orders and directing traffic, buoyed because the good people of Douglasville were counting on him for their chicken.
Merry Christmas everyone. I am beyond grateful for you. See you in 2020!
* (guys I love homeschoolers, please love this for the joke it is)
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Questions sourced from Instagram, delivered straight to you with more thought and effort than you probably ever dreamed of.
“Can you make a want/need/wear/read Christmas list, but for Zac Efron?” — @nathow124
Has my whole life been leading up to this question? Maybe. Did I spend way too much time on this? Most definitely. Okay here I go:
WANT: I want Zac to be in a committed relationship with someone who loves him for his ab work AND his heart work. Someone who is not intimidated by his celebrity, and someone who is obviously comfortable being outside and working out (this is why I can never be with him it’s the ONLY REASON). Someone who gets the pressures of fame and expectation. That is why I believe in my heart that Zac and Zendaya belong together. I know that he is a good bit older than she is, but I feel as though she is wise beyond her years and she is grounded for a (looks at notes) 20 year old.
YOU SEE IT NOW, DON’T YOU?
NEED: Zac needs a good part. I COULD remove Kit Harington from Marvel’s Eternals property and replace him with Zac (okay I will do that please don’t yell at me, it was either remove Kit or Richard Madden, and I’m not removing Richard Madden). But I will also do a big screen adaption of THE perfect movie musical starring Zac Efron: Sondhiem’s Company. Zac as Bobby, a single New Yorker unable to commit to a relationship. Great music to showcase those pipes. IT’S A SMASH NETFLIX CALL ME.
WEAR: Give me back the natural hair situation and the not weird beard situation. Return to regularly scheduled programming. SPICY TAKE: I do not hate the moustache.
READ: I need for Zac to read East of Eden. THEN, I need for him to become obsessed with an updated adaptation. Zac as Adam (he’s too old to be Cal now!), also directing? It will be the thing that propels him back.
Merry Christmas, Zac. May all my dreams for you come true.
“How do you recommend dealing with critical feedback? I struggle in this area.” — @ohitskayyy
Critical feedback is tough because no one wants to be publically (or privately) called to the carpet, but obviously none of us could grow as people if we weren’t willing to be critiqued. I think I *might* have thicker skin for this than most because of (OMG IS SHE GOING TO INSERT ANOTHER THEATRE REFERENCE INTO THIS NEWSLETTER?) the theatre. When you major in theatre, you have what’s known as juries: basically a panel of your professors does an annual critique of your skills. You are forced to stand up there on stage while they talk about how you don’t receive direction well, or you consistently went to the Donut Stop instead of showing up for Lighting on time, and you just have to TAKE IT. And when you’re in a show, every night, you do rehearsal notes. And there’s no “I know you said you wanted me to move upstage there, but I really feel like my character would do a downstage move there.” It’s “okay, thank you.” Then swallow all your feelings so this isn’t the last time you get cast.
For me, criticism is worth evaluating from the following people:
It comes from a place of neutrality: if you are yelling criticism at me (or DMing with HARD, PASSIONATE THUMB TYPING), it’s just not valid.
You are a person that I trust: do you have a track record for being on my team? Do I know you have my best interest at heart? Do I know you in real life? These things matter. If the answer is yes, you may proceed to tell me I’m acting like a butt (I can’t say it’ll go well, but I’ll do my best). If not, you don’t know me, you don’t know my life, and you’re not in my accountability group, so…
I also make up wildly specific scenarios in my head about people hating me or finding me annoying because of how they reacted to something I did or didn’t do or said or didn’t say. But rarely does anyone’s criticism of you come from a place of hate. And it’s easy to tell when it does, which makes it simple to write off, in my opinion. I don’t have to respond to the woman in my DMs saying that my post was flippant when I know it WASN’T, KAREN. She’s not in the circle of trust and if she wants to unfollow me…
It’s easy to say “take criticism seriously but not personally” but it’s almost impossible to put that into practice. I am also a slow processor, so if you’ve got something you need to critique me on, I hope you’ve planned for some lag time because I’m going to be non-responsive for a good 48 hours. My natural inclination is to start explaining WHY I did something like I did, and all the brilliant reasons why my goof-up was actually the by-product of caring too much or working too hard. And if that doesn’t work, a good lashing out will also suffice. So as you can tell, I am very good at taking criticism and I’m sure you’re glad you came to me for advice.
I love this article from INC about how emotionally intelligent people handle criticism. Maybe it will be helpful to you as well!
“What is your favorite Christmas hymn and why?” — @wynnsane
In order, they are:
1. O Holy Night (all the verses for maximum bang)
2. Joy to the World (the Nat King Cole version makes me cry?)
3. O Come, O Come, Emmanuel
These are theologically on point, have great music, and sound amazing in the dark at the end of a Christmas Eve service by candlelight. I actually did a whole breakdown on biblically debunking your favorite Christmas carols on the Bible Binge Patreon this month. The best research was from Good King Wenceslas, who I found out had a brother named Boleslaw. You can’t make this up.
“Will you please share the Ginger Bacon Molasses cookie recipe this year?” — Everyone
I only make two kinds of cookies: Tollhouse Break and Bakes, and these Ginger Bacon Molasses cookies. They are perfect and salty and sweet and smoky and BACON FATTY BO BATTY and will give you clogged arteries, so enjoy.
What You Need:
1/2 cup plus 1/3 cup granulated sugar
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 1/2 teaspoons ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
6 tablespoons chilled, rendered bacon fat
1/3 cup packed dark brown sugar
1 large egg yolk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup light or dark molasses ( I recommend dark)
1/2 teaspoon of liquid smoke (optional but THE BUSINESS)
How to Do It:
Adjust oven rack to middle position and preheat oven to 375°F. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper. Place 1/2 cup granulated sugar on a plate or shallow baking dish.
Whisk flour, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, cloves, allspice, pepper, and salt together in a medium bowl and set aside.
Using a stand mixer fitted with a paddle (or not, if you just have a regular mixer, don’t let me mixer shame you), beat butter, bacon fat, brown sugar, and remaining 1/3 cup granulated sugar on medium-high speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Reduce speed to medium-low and add the egg yolk and vanilla, beat until incorporated. On medium-low speed add molasses and liquid smoke and beat until combined, about 20 seconds scraping down bowl as needed. Reduce speed to low and add flour mixture; beat until incorporated, about 30 seconds. If you don’t reduce the speed to low, you’ll have a flour flinging situation on your hands. And while that could be festive for awhile, it will be the opposite of fun to clean up. Give the dough a final stir to ensure that no flour pockets remain. The dough will be soft and that’s how you want it to be. You’re doing great.
Working with 1 tablespoon of dough at a time, roll into balls. Roll half of the dough balls in sugar and toss to coat. This is a great activity for the kids to do unless you are psychopath about the size of the balls, then maybe this is best done when they are in bed. Place the dough balls 2 inches apart on a prepared baking sheet. Repeat with remaining dough.
Bake 1 sheet at a time until cookies are browned, still puffy, and edges have begun to set but centers are still soft (cookies will look raw in between cracks and seem underdone), about 11 minutes. I know this seems overtly specific but I’m trying to help you. Do not overbake. This is key. My oven actually does this in about 10 minutes, so just watch them. If they are crispy, they have been rendered garbage and you must start over.
Let cookies cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes; transfer to a wire rack and let cool to room temperature. Enjoy your heart disease.
So many of you asked great questions that I’ve already answered in Swipe Ups of Months Past, so be sure to scroll down and check some of those out!
🙀 The internet’s collection of Cats reviews is the best thing I’ve ever seen. I’m so grateful to live in this day and age.
✍️ One of my favorite writers, Jacey Verdicchio, created a series of Christmas benediction printables for you to add to your Christmas cards or packages. I love how they are designed and as always, Jacey graces us with her gift for words. Go snag some of these.
🕣I. LOVE. this post from @rethanichole on how busy has just become a mindless habit. Retha is the smartest, savviest business coach I know.
💤 The only thing keeping me mentally afloat is Baby Cy in these pajamas.
👒 The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is baaaaaaaaaaack and I’m HAPPY!
🤪 I found this article on how Instagram is making us all insane FASCINATING.
🥃 I’m trying these out for Christmas morning brunch: The Pioneer Woman’s Cranberry and Thyme Gin and Tonic (h/t @jordan.emmit).
🐖My favorite last-minute stocking stuffer for the kids is Pass the Pig, Tenzi, and these lip glosses.
🎧I read/listened to Atomic Habits on the road last weekend and I LOVED it. Planning on doing a personal day during the break to work on all my new habits I want to incorporate!
🎙As a proud member of the #moderatemiddle, I really connected with this episode of The Daily. It gives me a great deal of hope to hear about how seriously those who voted for impeachment took their charge, and I have a lot of respect for it.
📣I thought this article from Christianity Today was extremely well-thought-out and measured.
🎞We got the trailer for To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before: 2Fast 2Furious and obviously I’m LIVING for it.
I have been holed up in a house in North Carolina, doing VERY SERIOUS READING for a new VERY SERIOUS Lent guide. I love making these but to call them fun would be…a stretch. It was during a break between studying why Jesus calls a woman a “dog” in Mark 7 and the use of hendiadys in John 3 that I needed the most opposite content on this planet. And what is furthest from a character study on Barrabbas?
Hyper-sexualized mermen ornaments CLEARLY.
A couple of weeks ago I got very involved with finding the weirdest ornaments I could possibly locate. Like a homing beacon specifically zero-ing in on sequined hams and cinnamon-sugar-covered angels from 1987, I delighted in them all.
And then, we found the holy grail.
There is so much going on AMONGST the yuletide branches here: where does one even begin? Is this Scott Disick? How is his shirt tucked into his merman tail? Is this some type of underwater firearm? Do mermen wear shirts and why? Are aviators necessary under the sea or are they simply a part of the stripper costume? What exactly is a titillating strip show for a group of Nashville bachelorette mermaids?
I thought it was just one very specific, overly sexualized merman stripper cop. But Lil Swipes, there is a whole line of these ornaments, and you bet your glittery, crime-fighting merman tail we’re gonna do a deep dive (do you get it). I’ve apparently gone insane.
Look I know I should be bringing you good Advent content or something deeply spiritual, but my brain is broken right now. My kids wanted to know the nitty-gritty specifics of Jesus pooping during Advent last night. I’ve misplaced two Christmas presents. THE IMPEACHMENT IS HAPPENING. I just need a break. Maybe you do to so let’s go. The worst Advent content ever.
This is the Greatest (Underwater) Show
A culture of hats under the sea seems far-fetched: Would hats stay on underwater? The only movies I’ve ever seen that take place underwater are The Little Mermaid (No hats proper! Some hair accessories, but you can pin those in. Are they pinning their hats?) and Mermaids of Mako Island on Netflix and there are no hats within those mythologies. It just seems as if, with the currents and the fast swimming, hats would not be ideal. And also…do you need a hat in the depths? They are only purposeful for keeping the sun out of one’s face. Anyway the hat is the least interesting part of this Hugh Jackman fever dream. What WOULD a merpeople circus look like? We all know the circus to be tone-deaf at best, abusive and horrific to animals and workers at worst, so would merpeople, who are half oppressed animal group in DNA makeup, understand this about their fellow sea creatures? I always imagined merpeople to be very socially aware regarding things like climate change, but maybe that doesn’t translate to social constructs surrounding freedom for circus animals? Didn’t King Triton ride in on some gigantic dolphin carriage? Is there a PETA in the ocean? Is this ringleader a stripper also or just very into his chest?
Not Even Mildly Feasible
Give me a freakin’ break, December Diamonds. Unless that puppers is half-fish, this is an outrage. Someone in this equation can’t turn water into oxygen and someone doesn’t have legs. The ONLY way this veterinary clinic can work is if it’s some sort of floating dock, where humans bring their dogs to the Animal Science major merman and he holds the dog in the water while he does a check-up? And the matching belt-collar combo leads me to believe we’re supposed to think this doggo is Dr. Ted’s? A merman can’t have a dog! Their biospheres eliminate each other! They cannot co-exist.
Cajun Nightmare
Ignore the fact that this descendant of Ariel is consuming the flesh of a descendant of Sebastian and wearing an image of it as a taunt. Ignore the fact that the paper tray would not hold up underwater. Ignore the fact that this merman has belt loops built into his anatomy. This merman corn on the cob in the depths of the ocean and I have some questions.
*Brain Misfires*
Look I’m not trying to romp on anyone’s ding-dong but what the actual hell here? Is he wearing underwear? Is MerPlumber Pauly D wearing a tank top to…unclog your toilet? I’ve never ever in all my born days seen a plumber wear anything but as many barriers between them and your feces as humanly possible. What is he wiping off his face to highlight those chiseled abs? Did something spray him? From your toilet? If this is sexy, I ask you to see a psychoanalyst urgently.
OH BUT(T) WAIT.
It’s butt-cheek-less underwear? This whole ornament is a set-up for a sexy plumber’s crack joke? Can someone explain what a plumber needs with a tape measure? No wonder there is a war on Christmas. We cannot be trusted with this most sacred of holidays if we can’t even get some merman ornaments to be fantasy-realistic.
I remember when I was in eighth grade, I had an English teacher named Mrs. Kuhlman. The perfect teacher: strict, but you wanted to please her because you respected her. You gave your all in sentence diagramming and the literary critique of The Outsiders because she GAVE HER ALL TO YOU. Anyway, one day, she wrote on one of my essays that if I applied myself, I might actually be a good writer, which is such a burn and also tough love inspirational content. But anyway, I just wanted to conclude this analysis of merman Christmas ornaments by saying this is what she hath wroght when she encouraged me, and I hope she’s happy.
As always, you can email me at hello@erinhmoon.com to continue the conversation, offer feedback, or just say hi! Have a great rest of the month, and I’ll see you back here soon! Take care of each other, and take care of yourself. - ehm
🎄The Swipe Up, vol. 15: Sexy Mermen Ornaments, Fried Chicken Frodo, & Ginger Bacon Molasses Cookies